if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
