I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
