I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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