Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
