I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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