Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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