wrigley field is MILF paradise
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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