Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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