it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
