you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
