I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize