I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize