Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
