i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
