Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
