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At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
