i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
