My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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