As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize