So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Damn victory sex feels great
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