dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
