Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
