Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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