I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
