the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize