Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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