STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
