My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
