I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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