I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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