Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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