I feel like abortions should bother me more
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
