Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
