Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
