Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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