Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
