Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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