I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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