Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
