dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
