I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
