The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
