Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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