I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
