I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
