I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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