You smell like a Billy Joel song
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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