when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize