I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize