There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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