I accidentally burped into my bong.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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