Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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