remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
