i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
