I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
