I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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