So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
