Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
