I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize