matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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