I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
